HEART'S DESIRE

I want to some how describe the changes that have happened in my heart in the last 6 months which have led us to a completely different lifestyle today than we've had before.

When Patrick went to Heaven in March I began experiencing a lot of anxiety during the workweek. It was different than I've ever experienced before. I felt physically anxious, like my heart was racing all day long, yet I didn't have any specific "worries" or thoughts running through my head that made me feel that way. I began to think, 'I can't do this anymore. I just can't leave Chris and the kids all week long and work full-time. I just can't hold it together enough to do it anymore......and I don't want to try.' For the first time since the kids were born, I really felt like I NEEDED to ask God to make a way for me not to work.

As I started thinking through the practical needs that we have (Chris is a full-time student so he seldemly speaks now so that he can focus on schoolwork and we are definitely a family who NEEDS health insurance) I started searching for a way, asking God to lead my search. I looked for independent health insurance plans first. I knew that the only way this could work is if we had some kind of solution for health insurance. NOTHING that I found could remotely meet our needs.....nothing. After a few days of looking here and there and asking God to show me a way, I suddenly remembered a job position that is offered at Baylor Rehab where I was currently working. They have a weekend position in which you work 10 hours on Saturday and Sunday and get full-time benefits - including health insurance!!! Plus, there is a pay differential for working a weekend shift, which increases your hourly rate. I quickly grabbed my calculator and found that it could work, it really could! All we would need to do is find some type of childcare for the kids and work out church schedules! This all happened in May but I couldn't really act on it or pursue it because we were leaving for England in June for 8 weeks.

I didn't feel like it was a definite GO on our end for the job yet and as I talked to God about it I really felt like I needed to wait. Wait for Him to somehow communicate to me that the timing was right and wait for Chris to be the leader of the decision. I didn't want to try to make something happen the way that I wanted it, if it meant that I was taking matters into my own hands and not allowing God to supply a way.

One of the first concerns and prayers that I had was for our current Nanny, Amanda. She really has become part of our family and I knew that she intended to continue taking care of our children while I work once we returned from England. It didn't feel right to have her wait 8 weeks with no job for us to return only for me to apply for a new job and possibly get it quickly. So my first specific prayer other than God providing for Amanda and her husband Ben was to pray that Amanda would come to us first and say that she can't work with us anymore. Exactly 1 1/2 weeks later, 3 days before we left for England, Amanda came to work in the morning and said those exact words. She and Ben needed her to look for a job with health insurance and so she was no longer going to be able to take care of the kids. I was stunned.....not at her decision but at God's answer to my prayer. Yet I still felt like I should continue to WAIT. WAIT for God to make it happen.

A few weeks into our trip in England I began working to find a new nanny for us upon our return. Again, I felt torn because I wasn't sure what would happen with my job situation, but I knew that I would be returning to my same job in August and knew that we would need childcare for it. So we began our search and quickly found a new couple who moved into our building this year for the husband to start school. We hired Ashley as our nanny and I prayed that God would take care of all the details and decisions that we would be making upon our return. There was a huge part of me that wanted to apply for the new job from England, but that didn't seem right for my current employer and coworkers. My supervisors had been SO incredible to let me be off for 8 weeks to take this trip after only starting to work there 10 months earlier. They amazed me with how well they treated me and how supportive they were so I didn't feel right trying to switch jobs at that time. As I talked to Chris about the various ideas and desire in my heart to be home, he didn't think the timing was right either. So I waited and continued to try NOT to "solve my own puzzle" but allow God to put the pieces in place.

I know I'm making this waiting process sound like it was easy for me, but it really wasn't at all. It involved many days and many nights of tears. I felt like my heart was bursting sometimes at the thought of going back to work. I felt overwhelmed, like I had completely lost the ability that I once had to juggle the schedule of work, kids, dinner, husband, health issues. While there was a deep part of me that could see God bringing me on this journey and answering prayers along the way, the emotional part of me still ached to be home with my family.

Upon returning home at the beginning of August I was back at work just a short time when Chris said he thought I should go ahead and apply for the job. So I did. Everything moved much quicker than I thought and everyone was very supportive and understanding. My current supervisors were great and my future supervisors worked really well with me and my current job. Once I was hired I worked 5 weeks in my current job before switching!

Again, my concern turned to our current nanny, Ashley. We had just hired her and now we weren't going to need her help. She had just moved to Dallas and I knew we were putting her in a tough position. She and her husband were both very supportive of Chris and I and they understood why we were taking this opportunity. They were so gracious, not thinking of themselves at all during our interactions. I prayed a lot for them, for God to provide a better situation for them than they currently had. And on the last day of working for us, Ashley was hired in a new job which started the next Monday! God's timing was perfect!

Since taking this job I've been more amazed at the scenerios that happened immediately following, which I'll get to later, but just know that God is a God of perfect timing. I've learned it again.....and again.....and again. His timing is perfect for His plans.

Oh Lord, may I honor You with my life. I really do love you and I'm so thankful that you love me enough to love every detail of my heart, mind, and spirit. Show me Your way. Show me Your heart.

May the sun set on the old and may it rise on the new....