Reflections....

You know, in the busy-ness of everyday life I'm like a machine. I move from task to task organizing, cleaning, packing, making lists that go on and on.....but from time to time I am given a few days to slow down, to have time on my own, to see what it is that my life has become. These times usually happen when Chris is out of town and the kids are asleep.....

You know, to be honest, I never really knew what type of journey it was that I was embarking upon when I married Chris. Obviously I knew that he was paralyzed, I knew that we wouldn't be able to share some of the things that we BOTH loved - sports, running, hiking, the beach - even just holding hands (did you ever stop to think that neither one of us knows what it really feels like to hold one another's hand?). But what I didn't know was that we'd spend endless nights in the ER, countless trips in ambulances, and that we'd fill our dresser drawers with medications and attempts to ease the physical pain in some way. We've met with pastors, counselors, friends, doctors, PT's, OT's.....and yet he's still paralyzed, his physical body is still weak, his nervous system just doesn't work right, it doesn't. But here's what I didn't realize about all of this when I said "I do," I didn't realize that I would be strengthened and stabilized and built up in my spirit to be able to endure and endure and endure. I didn't know that I'd witness Chris at the height of his pain, calmly speak to me that he WOULD be ok, that he WOULD survive, that even though the doctors don't have answers we WOULD move forward. He has learned the art of holding me with his words and with his face when his body is unable. And so now, I don't have the fears that I once did. I used to fear so many things.....fearful that if something really hard happened, I'd collapse and not be able to work my way out. But you know, that's NOT what's happened. I have learned and grown through these circumstances, through the pain of watching my husband suffer and through the work of taking care of him when I myself am exhausted and think that I have nothing left to give. What I have learned is that love is not only passion and emotion and making each other feel good. Love is holding each other when the pain you feel is deeper than anything you've experienced before, love is going through the hard times WITH each other, not just being in the same room. Love is talking about the pain in your heart, the pain in your mind, the pain in your soul, and then listening to the other's pain as well. Love is embracing the good times and standing together in the bad times. And so I'm left with one thought.......I truly can consider it pure joy when I am enveloped in many trials, because I KNOW that the testing of my faith WILL produce endurance, steadfastness, and patience. And so I will let endurance have its pefect result, so that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4) God's word is True. It's not a cliche, it's not a story, it's MY life.

And you know what's the coolest thing about all of this?? I truly love my husband more today than I ever have before. The trials haven't pulled us apart, they're bringing us together.