You know, the past 1 1/2 weeks have been challenging for me emotionally. Sometimes reality just slaps you in the face when you live a life of paralysis. Sometimes a slap, sometimes it feels more like a knock-out.....except somehow you're still standing, you're still here on this earth, and life is still moving forward with or without you.
Last week Chris went out of town and all of a sudden, without warning, I just cried over his being paralyzed. Not because of what it does to my world, but because of the pain it causes him. And all at once it was as if I was feeling the immense pain that everyone who faces life with paralysis or some type of disability experiences. It's different, even when it's good, it's still different. I walked outside for the kids to have popsicles and I watched people play volleyball in the pool while their friends and wives sat together socializing and it was all I could do to hold back the tears that immediately rushed to my eyes and my heart. The pain that Chris feels just watching other people enjoy their physical bodies......the pain that other people with disabilities feel when they see it.
And I know, I can look at our lives and KNOW that we are blessed and have been given immense gifts, immense support physically and emotionally.....to be honest Chris and I receive more help and encouragement from our friends and family than any other quadriplegic couple that I know. But it doesn't completely take away the mourning that sometimes grips you without warning.
And so I turn to my God.....the only place that I can turn. And my heart bursts with love for Him, truly bursts. You see, when you TRULY suffer - EVERY day - you have no choice but to worship God. To worship with your whole body, arms up, knees down, standing up, lying down, flat out, raised up - you worship, you worship hard. And you don't stop until the weight of life lifts. Anything else is too hard and too consuming.