Thursday, December 1, 2011


I don't think I've ever done this before, but in an attempt to be totally and completely honest with you I think it's important that I share a portion of what I wrote in my journal in mid-May when I was on the estrogen patch and had the IUD. I only share it to be completely honest with my experiences, my desires, and my prayers at each stage of this process. Unless you've gone through it before you may not realize just how consuming it is and how it encompasses every part of your being - at least it did for me. So I share this to honestly share the experiences of my heart during this in vitro process, for no other reason......

Lord, here we are. It's been just over 2 weeks on estrogen. I know I'm snappier with Chris and the kids - especially Caleb. It's not who I am or who I want to be. I don't want to take comments or situations as a personal criticism. I just want to be wholly present with whoever I am with - whether it's You, Chris, Caleb, or Alethia.
And Lord I want to be open to all that You want to speak to me or show me inj praying for these embryos that You have given us. Daddy, my heart fills and quivers all at the same time at just the thought of them. They are ours that You have given us. They are 6 days old. I can do nothing but ask You for their lives Lord. They're already here, already created. I ask that you give us the giftt of another boy and girl twins. Lord, I don't know how to live it or how to care for everyone but I do ask for their lives - that You continue to create life, create their lives, that they may know You and praise You. Lord may their lives glorify You. Lord I don't know the plans You have for me. I don't know the adventures. I ask for Your will - Your good and perfect will. I don't pretend to know what You'll do. I don't have any idea. I have dreams but only You know Your plans. I just ask that You create amazing life in these babies - may they lead all of us to fall in worship to You. Lord I do ask that You show me what to pray as their Mama. Please Lord, show me what to pray specifically during every step of this process. And please show me who to ask to pray. Oh Lord these are babies You've given us. May we care for them by following Your lead in every way including our prayers. I am humbled and know that I have no power over this - there is nothgin I can do to give myself a child or children. There is no way for me to know if more children are even a good plan for our lives. I just ask that whatever You decide to do, that Caleb, Alethia, and these babies would know You and adore You. May they not empower themselves but may they come to Your feet to be fed, watered, and empowered by the Creator of their lives and the Author of their salvation. You and You alone are the source of love and Truth which life is based upon. May we be open and cleansed by You and kep humble that we really would experience the power of Your providing hand and the mercy of Your love and heart. Be our Lord - all of us, including these embryos. Fix our eyes on You and draw us to a deeper relationship with You. Only You can bring us into relationship with You and only You can keep us here and bring us to eternity and completion in You. I ask that You do that, please. Please. AMEN

Another step in the process.....

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