"I started my period last night. It makes me sad to think of their little cells leaving me in just a pile of blood. They just come right out and I don't even know where because I can't see them. I guess that would be more sad to be able to see them but it just makes it all seem like it never really happened, like they never really were alive, even though I saw them in the microscope..........
Despite all the focus of my prayers on Your will being done, it still feels like a punch in the stomach - the results of losing our babies punch me, not You. It's a hollowness God, in my stomach like I've only felt one other time - when we finished our first in vitro cycle and lost the 3 embryos we had implanted. It's a hollowness because there's nothing I can do to change it. I did what I could to allow it to happen, I followed the steps, and Your will has been done. And sometimes Your will hurts deeply to my core. I just really wanted those twins but it doesn't feel like they were ever real, not now at least........
Lord, do they really have to come out of me in some gross pile of blood that gets flushed down the toilet and into a sewer and then, that's that!?! End of life, end of story, time to move on. Really? After 5 years of wondering, 5 years of paying for their little storage unit, 11 months of appointments, 1 surgery, months of hormones and testing....and now they go into a trash can or a toilet. Did you have to design it that way? Because that really hurts. That's my dream literally getting flushed down the toilet and it feels so gross and so final. It's their lives, which were supposed to be beautiful, but now it's gross....just a mess to clean up. It hurts so deeply. It makes me feel like I don't want them to have ever been alive or real because it only makes it hurt worse......."
Sorry for the graphic nature of the journal, but that's the real deal, the real, uncensored emotions and thoughts. So now we have seven babies in heaven, six of which lived inside of me before they went. Six. We decided to name these two since they were so alive in our hearts and since we've had them for 5 years. Cole and Faith.
Cole because it means "victory" and it's Jesus' victory over death that allows him to go to heaven.
Faith because it's "faith", and faith in Christ is what allows any of us to go to heaven.
Faith and Cole
Cole and Faith
Another day. Maybe we'll meet another day.