I have some wonderful friends here in Dallas and when I asked for someone to watch the kids so that I could have some time to leave our home and be alone to start to process all that the last year has been, I had many quick volunteers -for that I'm very grateful.
I brought my journal and my bible and went to the coffee shop on campus at a time when it's mostly empty. I began my time with this prayer......it's all I could think of (from my journal),
"Lord I ask that You be loving and gentle on my heart. Please show me mercy. If my heart needs to be broken more so that I can see, then please do it in the gentlest of ways and hold it in Your hand to heal and fix and remove and replace what is needed. Please have mercy on me......."
After writing and writing and not even feeling too tearful (very odd for me!) I paused and just started to stare. I don't know how long it was but after several minutes it hit me......
I've always in my heart pictured two......and that is exactly what God gave us to implant - two healthy babies. Secondly, one of the most memorable and strong prayers in my heart for these twins was that they would SHINE THE GLORY OF GOD. Shine. Shine. Shine. I couldn't get it out of my mind. And although I've only written it once on this blog, I prayed that prayer over and over and over as we went through this process over the past several months. And THAT was IT:
They are in Heaven and they are SHINING in God's glory. They are in His presence right now, where they can do nothing BUT SHINE the glory of God!
He has answered my prayers......not only that.....He led me to pray those prayers because He knew that was His plan for them.....that they would shine, shine, shine. They would miss the "hard stuff" of living on earth and go straight to the Glory, straight to the Good part! Oh the joy and comfort that brought to my soul......words can't describe.
Then, just in case I didn't feel as though He is right next to me walking me through this ENTIRE process, I opened my bible and this is the first passage that I saw.......
"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116: 1-2
I needed nothing else that day. I started my time asking for mercy and ended my time filled and surrounded by His mercy.