Sunday, November 22, 2009

My Experience......

I was recently asked to share some of the story of my life in writing. So I thought that I'd include it here as well...

What is my experience of God in my life? I guess to answer that you need to know what "my life" looks like. My husband is in his first year of seminary at DTS, but we live a rather unusual life filled with rare circumstances. You see, my husband, Chris, is paralyzed. He broke his neck when he was 20 years old and we met 3 months later. We began dating 2 years after that and have now been married 6 years.

For those who are wondering, let me explain what "being paralyzed" means for Chris: he can move and feel nothing below his collarbones, he can move his head in all directions, he can move his shoulder and bend his elbows - that's it. We've never known the feeling of holding one another's hand because his hands are numb and no longer move in any way. So, what does this mean for his daily life? He is physically dependent on people for every aspect of movement. He can't move once placed in bed, he can't sit up on his own, he can't dress himself, he can't bathe himself, he can't do anything that requires the use of hands. Think about that. I mean REALLY think about that. Can you even imagine the heartabhe of losing all of those abilities yet still being alive; the struggle mentally to get out of bed every morning?

Now add constant pain throughout his body that varies in intensity depending on the day.
Now add countless medical complications in other organs and systems of his body that are drastically effected by the paralysis (there isn't space enough to list them here).
Now add a wife who works full-time and is therefore unavailalbe to give him physical help from 8:00-4:30 5 days per week.
Now add 2 1/2 year old twins - Caleb and Alethia.

Yes, it's quite a picture isn't it? Without God that picture looks pretty bleak. I mean the idea of twins is a perk but then comes the reality of actually raising them and caring for them and making sure they grow up with love and confidence, trusting in God. Depending on the person, that alone could seem extremely overwhelming. The truth is, when you look at this "life" on paper it's easy to wonder how anyone could experience hope, peace, joy, rest.

But with God......well, with God the whole picture changes - HE changes everything.

Because with God there is PURPOSE. And with God the purpose is good; Very Good.

"And we know that GOD causes ALL things to work together for GOOD to those who love Him and are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

So there IS a purpose that God has for our lives, and it IS good - even though Chris is paralyzed. And to be honest, I never had to cling to this verse before I was married.....before I faced hospitals and doctors and prescriptions and insurance and the fear of losing my husband and exhaustion beyond comprehension. Before I had the continuous struggle in my life of paralysis and the pain that it brings, I didn't have to collapse to my knees in search of answers, in search of hope, in search of Truth, in search of Purpose. But now the story is different.

Now I NEED this verse to be true.
I NEED God to be real.
I NEED God to be good.
I NEED God to have a plan.
I NEED to know that I am in His plan.
And so it is.......on my knees.....that I find the LIVING God.
I find a POWERFUL God.
I find the TRUE God.
And I KNOW now that He is Good.

So, though my circumstances may get harder, and though I may lose my husband at a young age, and though I may be stripped of every strength that I thought I had, I find peace - everlasting peace. And it is God who I cling to, it is God who lifts my head, it is God who brings me True Joy and True Life. And because of this I feel more alive than I ever have before in my life. Truly.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the GLORY that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Show me Your Heart
Show me Your Way
Show me Your Glory
Oh Lord, it's the cry of my heart.

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