IN VITRO FERTILIZATION - OCTOBER JOURNALS

October 7
Lord, I started Lupron shots this week. So far so good. I'm so thankful for Chris and that he is going to drop his classes just to be with me and help me through this process. I don't know what I'd do without him.
God I feel like maybe I should be having a hard time, but right now I'm just mostly excited. I'm scared to be excited at times because I know that You may not give us children, but I also feel excited to see what the outcome is......mostly because I hope for children. I hope for a boy and girl......we've been thinking of names and so far are thinking of Faith and Cole. I'm nervous to imagine them, but I also find so much joy in thinking of them and praying for them. Lord comfort and prepare my heart for whatever Your plans are. But You know my heart is for a boy and a girl.....please Lord, all I can do is ask for their lives......and if not then bring about Your will and bring comfort to my soul if the answer is no. Please.

October 15
Lord, may You be glorified in my life and by my life to others around me. God I'm so scared to hope for children. I'm scared to dream because I'm scared of the pain if the dream doesn't come true. So Lord please take my heart and surround me with Your comfort and Your will. Guide me into it. May You be glorified. May people see You in me and be amazed by You and You alone.
Oh God, I just got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that we won't get pregnant. Just now. I don't know if it's true but God this is why I have to surrendor to You every desire that I have. Please have mercy on me. If You choose to not create life on earth with these embryos then please bring Your comfort. Please.

October 28
Oh I think the emotions are here. Yesterday I overheard a lady say that she has 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys and my eyes immediately filled with tears.....oh I want that to be my story too!
Tonight at dinner I dropped my plate of green beans on the floor and I was immediately filled with the most intense rage - yes, rage. I was furious instantly.....and just 1 second earlier I was perfectly happy and content.....oh boy. Lord please don't let me be too crazy with Chris, Caleb, and Alethia!
I feel afraid that I will be heartbroken at the end of this.

October 30
Lord I feel so anxious, not knowing if the embryos will make it through the thawing process. It's in exactly one week. God I just really want them to be able to be implanted back in me even if at the end we don't get pregnant or if we miscarry. I guess I just want them to make it through the "science" part so that they can be in me. Lord the joy that children bring me is so incredible. Please create life in these embryos and may they glorify Your Name and shine Your light, Your love, Your truth, Your freedom. Lord may Your radiance shine forth out of them in however You create them.

The time draws near.....less than one week to implant.....4 patches of estrogen and 2 shots of progesterone are underway......