More from my heart and the "real" experience of in vitro......(several excerpts shared from my journal this past summer)
Lord the hormone surge is here, or should I say the drop off. I finished the estrogen patch last week and the past three days have been rough! Overall this whole month my emotions were ok but now that the patch is gone I feel irritable - so easily frustrated which is frustrating in and of itself. Today I cried several times just because I feel like I can't control my irritation and because I feel like my descernment/insight in making decisions is not reliable either. It's so hard to feel out of control of my behavior and reactions to things......this is the part I hate about in vitro!
Lord please lead me through this in vitro process. My emotions get so scattered and strong and intense. And Lord, I don't know if I'd be a good Mommy to more babies and still be a good wife. I'll need You for sure. But Lord, my heart - my dreaming heart - still has a flicher in it desiring more babies. But Lord my confidence in myself to be able to manage it all is low. Please create the family that You desire for us and then lead us on Your path for the outcome and provision for how to take care of each of them. Please Lord.
Father God, I do ask that we would have more children. The numbers are such a fluctuation each day for me. I go between wanting one to wanting twins so frequently. Please do Your will - create the lives that You deisre to create and create them exactly as You choose. I give you my desires, Chris' desires, our physical abilities, and our physical inabilities. May we do all things throu You strengthening us. God bring us to and through the medical care that we need.
Lord, I can't help myself, I just HAVE to ask you for my heart's desire - please give us girl and boy twins. I pray that you would protect our embryos, strengthen them and grow them as only You, their Creator, can. Lord I know that You have given us three. So I pray that the one that goes to heaven will bring strength to Your throne through his/her praises. And I ask that the two who grow up on earth would give strength to Your throne and Kingdom from here.
Lord I just have to pray for our little baby girl and boy. I don't know ifthey'll ever exist but I pray for them Lord. Create them please, develop them. Give them life Lord, please. I ask that their lives would be a mirror to the world of Your grace, Your love, Your power, and Your mercy. I ask that they would SHINE forth Your radiance and Your glory. Oh Lord God I do put this into Your hands - however many children you desire to give us, including zero. But I feel like I want to pray for our boy and our girl. May their lives shine, SHINE forth Your life. Lord may they not shine themselves, but may they shine to glorify You. Shine the radiance of Your glory. Oh Lord God I ask for their health and strength. I ask that You create strong physical bodies for them. Create them as You desire Lord. May You continue to lead us on this journey of our lives.
These are just some of the prayers that I prayed throughout the summer. It's such an emotional time - scared to fully want more children in case the answer is NO, yet needing to be honest about the desires in my heart. Oh what a time of trying to remain calm and peaceful - holding on tight to my desires yet trying to "give them to the Lord" at the same time.
But we're still getting closer.......